Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She's the barista slut.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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