i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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