He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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