That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
