Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
