I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
