Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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