dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
