I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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