I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
