my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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