you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
