I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
