is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
