oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
