all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
