you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
