Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
i believe in u and ur pee
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
