you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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