my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
