our cab driver is having phone sex.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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