forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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