I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
