her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
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