1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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