Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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