thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Randomize
