All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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