does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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