if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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