Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
