after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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