I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
