just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
