I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
