Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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