You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
