I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
