Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
