We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
