mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
