we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
