Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
