Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
