i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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