I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
