I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
