R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
