sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Found the puke drawer
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Randomize
