I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
