grandma shit on top of the toilet
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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