All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
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