He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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