just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
