angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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