if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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