I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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