u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize