oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
