Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
